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  2. A .44 magnum beats four aces.

  3. A bend in the road is not the end of the road -- unless you fail to make the turn.

  4. A carelessly planned project takes three times longer to complete than expected; a carefully planned project will take only twice as long.

  5. A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knowingness.

  6. A computer can make as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working for 20 years.

  7. A conceited person never gets anywhere because he thinks he is already there.

  8. A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.

  9. A day for firm decisions! Or is it?

 10. A pessimist is one who builds dungeons in the air.

 11. A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

 12. A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

 13. A well-adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous.

 14. A winner never quits -- a quitter never wins.

 15. A witty saying proves nothing.

 16. Action cures fear, inaction creates terror.

 17. After all is said and done, a lot more is usually said than done.

 18. After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found on the bench.

 19. After spending many years in Wall Street and after making and losing millions of dollars I want to tell you this: It never was my thinking that made the big money for me. It always was my sitting.

 20. After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.

 21. All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance.

 22. All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.

 23. All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific.

 24. All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income.

 25. All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most ridiculous ones.

 26. All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.

 27. Always expect the worst, and you will never be disappointed.

 28. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.

 29. An empowered organisation is one in which individuals have the knowledge, skill, desire, and opportunity to personally succeed in a way that leads to collective organisational success.

 30. An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.

 31. Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop.

 32. Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger object.

 33. Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.

 34. Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.

 35. Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.

 36. Anything is possible if you wish hard enough.

 37. Anything not worth doing is worth not doing well. Think about it.

 38. Art is either plagiarism or revolution.

 39. Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.

 40. Attempt the impossible in order to improve your work.

 41. Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.

 42. Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.

 43. Blessed are those who expect nothing... for they will not be disappointed.

 44. Blessed is the person who is too busy to worry in the daytime and too sleepy to worry at night.

 45. Boren's Laws: (1) When in charge, ponder. (2) When in trouble, delegate. (3) When in doubt, mumble.

 46. Bradley's Bromide: If computers get too powerful, we can organise them into a committee -- that will do them in.

 47. Bravery and stupidity go hand in hand.

 48. Brooks' Law: Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.

 49. By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task completely overwhelm you.

 50. By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve.

 51. Change occurs in direct proportion to dissatisfaction, but dissatisfaction never changes.

 52. Cheer up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.

 53. Courage is the capacity to confront what can be imagined.

 54. Dealing with failure is easy: Work hard to improve. Success is also easy to handle: You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve.

 55. Desperation is like stealing from the Mafia: you stand a good chance of attracting the wrong attention.

 56. Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.

 57. Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out if it alive.

 58. Do, or do not. There is no try.

 59. Don't think, just do.

 60. Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats.

 61. Ducharm's Axiom: If you view your problem closely enough you will recognise yourself as part of the problem.

 62. Even a blind pig in a blizzard finds an acorn once in a while.

 63. Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

 64. Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you just how busy they are?

 65. Every man is the architect of his own fortune.

 66. Every man wishes to rule the world. Unfortunately, the world rules every man.

 67. Every solution breeds new problems.

 68. Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success.

 69. Everyone has his day and some days last longer than others.

 70. Everything you do or say is public relations.

 71. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

 72. Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you recognise a mistake when you make it again.

 73. Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and the instruction afterwards.

 74. Failure is the opportunity to begin again more intelligently.

 75. Failure to prepare is preparing to fail.

 76. Finagle's Fourth Law: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.

 77. First rule of Economics 101: our desires are insatiable. Second rule: we can stomach only three Big Macs at a time.

 78. Freedom is nothing else but a chance to be better.

 79. Good ideas are a dime a dozen, bad ones are free.

 80. Good people are good because they've come to wisdom through failure.

 81. Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.

 82. Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of travelling.

 83. Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.

 84. Happiness isn't getting what you want, it's wanting what you've got.

 85. Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.

 86. Hard reality has a way of cramping your style.

 87. Hatred: A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority.

 88. He who hesitates is a damned fool.

 89. He who hesitates is probably smart... or maybe stapled to the floor.

 90. He who thinks he is raising a mound may only in reality be digging a pit.

 91. Hitch your wagon to a star.

 92. Hoare's Law of Large Problems: Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.

 93. Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter's Law into account.

 94. Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.

 95. I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.

 96. I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

 97. I kept on digging the hole deeper and deeper looking for the treasure chest until I finally lifted my head, looked up and realised that I had dug my own grave.

 98. I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.

 99. I want what I want when I want it!

100. I would sooner fail than not be among the greatest.

101. I'd rather be rich than stupid.

102. If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.

103. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

104. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

105. If I can be of any help, you're in worse trouble than I thought.

106. If I have seen further, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants.

107. If I travelled to the end of the rainbow as Dame Fortune did intend, Murphy would be there to tell me the pots at the other end.

108. If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.

109. If someone had told me I would be pope one day, I would have studied harder.

110. If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances are 50-50 it will.

111. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

112. If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it.

113. If wishes were fishes we'd all be throwing nets. If wishes were horses we'd all ride.

114. If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

115. If you cannot convince them, confuse them.

116. If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.

117. If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

118. If you do what you've always done, you'll be what you've always been.

119. If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there.

120. If you have a bowl of apples and you eat the best ones first, then you have only the best ones left.

121. If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want hits the paper.

122. If you optimise everything, you will always be unhappy.

123. If you pray for rain, don't be surprised if you're struck by lightning.

124. If you see a turtle on a fence post, he has had some help.

125. If you wish to reach the highest, begin at the lowest.

126. Imbesi's Law with Freeman's Extension: In order for something to become clean, something else must become dirty; but you can get everything dirty without getting anything clean.

127. Intelligence is nothing without delight.

128. It is always better to fail in doing something than to excel in doing nothing.

129. It is better to be defeated on principle than to win on lies.

130. It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation.

131. It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.

132. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

133. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

134. It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.

135. It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as high as the eagle?

136. It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous.

137. It won't work.

138. It's better to be an authentic loser than a false success, and to die alive than to live dead.

139. It's kinda' fun to do the impossible.

140. It's not over until it's over.

141. Kites rise highest against the wind -- not with it.

142. Large increases in cost with questionable increases in performance can be tolerated only in race horses and women.

143. Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

144. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

145. Learning is not compulsory... neither is survival.

146. Life is a great big canvas; throw all the paint you can at it.

147. Life's a bitch, and life's got lots of sisters.

148. Life's a bitch, and then she has puppies.

149. Life's a bitch, and then you die.

150. Make voyages! Attempt them... there's nothing else.

151. Man is able to do what he is unable to imagine. His head trails a wake through the galaxy of the absurd.

152. Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it is an enemy.

153. Measure twice because you can only cut once.

154. Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.

155. Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.

156. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Lada.

157. Most of life is choices, and the rest is pure dumb luck.

158. Most plans are just inaccurate predictions.

159. Murphy's Law: If anything can go wrong, it will.

160. Necessity is the mother of invention.

161. Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to make it complex and wonderful.

162. Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules: The first ninety- percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.

163. No man who needs a monument ever ought to have one.

164. No pressure, no diamonds.

165. Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations: Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results.

166. Nothing good ever ends.

167. Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.

168. Nothing is difficult to those who have the will.

169. Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

170. Nothing recedes like success.

171. Nothing ventured, nothing gained -- but if everything is ventured, and still nothing gained, give up and venture elsewhere.

172. Official Project Stages: (1) Uncritical Acceptance. (2) Wild Enthusiasm. (3) Dejected Disillusionment. (4) Total Confusion. (5) Search for the Guilty. (6) Punishment of the Innocent. (7) Promotion of the Non-participants.

173. Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from you that counts. It's what you do with what you have left.

174. Once all struggle is grasped, miracles are possible.

175. Once you've tried to change the world you find it's a whole bunch easier to change your mind.

176. Only those who do not expect anything are never disappointed. Only those who never try, never fail.

177. Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

178. Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.

179. People who never achieve happiness are the ones who complain whenever they're awake, and whenever they're asleep, they are thinking about what to complain about tomorrow.

180. People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

181. Perfection is only achieved on the point of collapse.

182. Perfection is perfectly simple; fouling things up requires true skill.

183. Pick battles big enough to matter, but small enough to win.

184. Positive anything is better than negative nothing.

185. Prophecy is many times the principal cause of the events foretold.

186. Remember only the good, the bad will never forget you.

187. Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

188. Self-respect permeates every aspect of your life.

189. Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

190. Sloppy thinking only gets worse with decapitation.

191. Small minds are the first to condemn great ideas.

192. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

193. Some day my boat will come in, and with my luck I'll be at the airport.

194. Some people dream of success, while others wake up and work hard at it.

195. Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.

196. Spell checkers, hoo neeeds em?

197. Strategy: A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime after those creating it have left the organisation.

198. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

199. Success is a journey, not a destination.

200. Success is a state of mind. If you want success, start thinking of yourself as a success.

201. Success is like a fart -- only you're own smells nice.

202. Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out.

203. Talkers are no good doers.

204. Technology is dominated by two types of people: Those who understand what they do not manage, and those who manage what they do not understand.

205. The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed.

206. The art of simplicity is a puzzle of complexity.

207. The average person thinks he isn't.

208. The basis of optimism is sheer terror.

209. The best performance improvement is the transition from the non-working state to the working state.

210. The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

211. The best way to succeed in life is to act on the advice we give to others.

212. The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

213. The chief cause of problems is solutions.

214. The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of management is that success equals skill.

215. The future belongs to those who dare.

216. The Golden Rule: whoever has the gold makes the rules.

217. The harder you fall, the higher you bounce.

218. The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate me away from those who are still undecided.

219. The last time you failed, did you stop trying because you failed -- or did you fail because you stopped trying?

220. The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching train.

221. The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been.

222. The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

223. The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.

224. The more you know, the less you need to show.

225. The more you know, the less you think you know.

226. The more you wrestle with a turd, the more shit gets on you.

227. The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

228. The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.

229. The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man.

230. The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.

231. The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made.

232. The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

233. The surest way of having something done is to forbid your kids to do it.

234. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

235. There are a lot of ways to become a failure, but never taking a chance is the most successful.

236. There are people who make things happen, those who watch what happens, and those who wonder what happened.

237. There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.

238. There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is attracted to dark objects.

239. There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

240. There is no security on this earth; there is only opportunity.

241. There is one thing stronger than all the armies in the world, and that is an idea whose time has come.

242. There's no success like failure, and failure's no success at all.

243. They are able because they think they are able.

244. This is as true in everyday life as it is in battle: we are given one life and the decision is ours whether to wait for circumstances to make up our mind, or whether to act and, in acting, to live.

245. Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

246. Thought precedes action; action does not always precede thought.

247. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and whatever you hit, call it the target.

248. To be upset over what you don't have is to waste what you do have.

249. To buy happiness is to sell soul.

250. To deny we need and want power is to deny that we hope to be effective.

251. To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

252. To err is human, to forgive unusual.

253. To gain that, which is worth having, it may be necessary to lose everything else.

254. To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three men, two of them absent.

255. To hit bottom is to fall from grace.

256. Truth comes out of error more easily than out of confusion.

257. Try a thing you haven't done three times. Once, to get over the fear of doing it. Twice, to learn how to do it. And a third time, to figure out whether you like it or not.

258. Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.

259. Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

260. Use soft words and hard arguments.

261. Usually, if you're calling any shots at all, you're not eating worms.

262. Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

263. Watch for big problems; they disguise big opportunities.

264. We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.

265. We can do anything we want to if we stick to it long enough.

266. We have had an Imperial lesson; it may make us an Empire yet!

267. We may not always get what we want, but surely we will get what we deserve.

268. We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked throughout the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken away from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms -- to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.

269. What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play.

270. What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.

271. When all is lost, ask the I.R.S. -- they'll find something.

272. When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the most inconvenient possible time.

273. When I discover who I am, I'll be free.

274. When I was young, I observed that nine out of ten things I did were failures. So I did ten times more work.

275. When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

276. When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.

277. When one is trying to do something beyond one's known powers it is useless to seek the approval of friends. Friends are at their best in moments of defeat.

278. When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.

279. When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail.

280. Whether you think that you can or that you can't, you are usually right.

281. While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is admission to someone else.

282. Why be a man when you can be a success?

283. With every passing hour, our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress.

284. With love and patience, nothing is impossible.

285. Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination.

286. You always find something in the last place you look.

287. You can fool all the people all the time if the advertising budget is big enough.

288. You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

289. You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.

290. You cannot discover new oceans unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.

291. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.

292. You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.

293. You don't drown by falling in the water; you drown by staying there.

294. You should emulate your heroes, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

295. Your ass is grass and I am the lawn mower.

296. You're a genius if you fly a kite during a thunderstorm, and discover that lightning is electricity -- but you're an idiot if you fly a kite during a thunderstorm, and discover that lightning can kill you.