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  2. "Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth. - Alfred Whitehead

  3. A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything. - Nietzsche

  4. A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles in the road. - Alexander Smith

  5. A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists. - Don Marquis

  6. A promiscuous person is someone who is getting more sex than you are. - Victor Lownes

  7. Admiration, noun. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. - Ambroise Beirce

  8. All my life, affection has been showered upon me, and every forward step I have made has been taken in spite of it. - George Bernard Shaw

  9. All religions are founded on the fear of the many and the cleverness of the few. - Stendhal

 10. Always forgive your enemies -- nothing annoys them so much. - Oscar Wilde

 11. America is still a government for the naive, by the naive, and for the naive. He who does not know this, nor relish it, has no inkling of the nature of this country. - Christopher Morley

 12. America is the only nation in history which miraculously has gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilization. - Georges Clemenceau

 13. America: The only country in the world where failing to promote yourself is regarded as being arrogant. - Garry Trudeau

 14. Awards are merely the badges of mediocrity. - Charles Ives

 15. Beware of the man whose God is in the skies. - George Bernard Shaw

 16. Bores bore each other too, but it never seems to teach them anything. - Don Marquis

 17. Bureaucracy is a giant mechanism operated by pygmies. - Honore de Balzac

 18. Congress - these, for the most part, illiterate hacks whose fancy vests are spotted with gravy, and whose speeches, hypocritical, unctuous, and slovenly, are spotted also with the gravy of political patronage. - Mary McCarthy

 19. Conscience: The inner voice which warns us that someone may be looking. - H.L. Mencken

 20. Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative. - Oscar Wilde

 21. Cynic, noun. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. -Ambrose Bierce

 22. Cynicism is an unpleasant way of saying the truth. - Lillian Hellman

 23. Decency ... must be an even more exhausting state to maintain than its opposite. Those who succeed seem to need a stupefying amount of sleep. - Quentin Crisp

 24. Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who will get the blame. - Laurence J. Peter

 25. Democracy is the art of running the circus from the monkey cage. - H.L. Mencken

 26. Do you know on this one block you can buy croissants in five different places? There's one store called Bonjour Croissant. It makes me want to go to Paris and open a store called Hello Toast. - Fran Lebowitz

 27. Equality may perhaps be a right, but no power on earth can ever turn it into a fact. - Honore de Balzac

 28. Favourite Animal: steak. - Fran Lebowitz

 29. Getting out of bed in the morning is an act of false confidence. - Jules Feiffer

 30. Gratitude is merely the secret hope of further favours. - Francois de la Rochefoucauld

 31. Heaven, as conventionally conceived, is a place so inane, so dull, so useless, so miserable, that no-body has ever ventured to describe a whole day in heaven, though plenty of people have described a day at the seaside. - George Bernard Shaw

 32. I can sympathize with people's pains, but not with their pleasure. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness. - Aldous Huxley

 33. I cannot believe in a God who wants to be praised all the time. - Nietzsche

 34. I have no need for your God-damned sympathy. I wish only to be entertained by some of your grosser reminiscences. - Alexander Woollcott

 35. Idealism is fine, but as it approaches reality the cost becomes prohibitive. - William F. Buckley jr.

 36. If Christ were here now there is one thing he would not be -- a Christian. - Mark Twain

 37. If God did not exist, it would have been necessary to invent Him. - Voltaire

 38. In heaven all the interesting people are missing. - Nietzsche

 39. In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican. - H.L. Mencken

 40. Insanity: a perfectly rational adjustment to the insane world. - R.D. Laing

 41. It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid. - George Bernard Shaw

 42. It is only the poor who are forbidden to beg. - Anatole France

 43. It takes a long while for a naturally trustful person to reconcile himself to the idea that after all God will not help him. - H.L. Mencken

 44. I've been too f---ing busy, and vice versa. - Dorothy Parker (ed.: Submitted by Margaret England from B.C. - thank you!)

 45. Kill one man and you are a murderer. Kill millions and you are a conqueror. Kill all and you are a god. - Jean Rostand

 46. Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh. - George Bernard Shaw

 47. Love is the desire to prostitute oneself. - Charles Baudelaire

 48. Love is the most subtle form of self-interest. - Holbrook Jackson

 49. Melancholy Men, of all others, are the most witty. - Aristotle

 50. My loathing's are simple: stupidity, oppression, crime, cruelty, soft music. - Vladimir Nabokov

 51. Nothing is so aggravating as calmness. - Oscar Wilde

 52. Now we sit through Shakespeare in order to recognize the quotations. - Oscar Wilde

 53. Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast. - Oscar Wilde

 54. Optimism: the noble temptation to see too much in everything. - G.K. Chesterton

 55. Patriotism is a pernicious, psychopathic form of idiocy. - George Bernard Shaw

 56. Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons. - Bertrand Russell

 57. People in General are equally horrified at hearing the Christian religion doubted, and at seeing it practiced. - Samuel Butler

 58. Perhaps the only true dignity of man is his capacity to despise himself. - George Santayana

 59. Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy. - Ambroise Bierce

 60. Politics is the diversion of trivial men who, when they succeed at it, become important in the eyes of more trivial men. - George Jean Nathan

 61. Pray, n. To ask the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy. - Ambrose Bierce

 62. Psychoanalysis makes quite simple people feel they're complex. - S. N. Behrman

 63. Psychoanalysis: a rabbit that was swallowed by a boa constrictor that just wanted to see what it was like in there. - Karl Kraus

 64. Randomness scares people. Religion is a way to explain randomness. - Fran Lebowitz

 65. Religion is a monumental chapter in the history of human egotism. - William James

 66. Ronald Reagan: A triumph of the embalmer art. - Gore Vidal

 67. Self-Respect: the secure feeling that on one, as yet, is suspicious. - H.L. Mencken

 68. So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence. - Bertrand Russell

 69. Society produces rogues, and education makes one rogue cleverer than the other. - Oscar Wilde

 70. Stupidity is an elemental force for which no earthquake is a match. - Karl Kraus

 71. That all men are created equal is a proposition to which, at ordinary times, no sane individual has ever given his assent. - Aldous Huxley

 72. The American way is to seduce a man by bribery and make a prostitute of him. Or else to ignore him, starve him into submission and make a hack out of him. - Henry Miller

 73. The basis of optimism is sheer terror. - Oscar Wilde

 74. The Believer is happy; the doubter is wise. - Hungarian Proverb

 75. The Jews are a frightened people. Nineteen centuries of Christian love have broken them down. -Israel Zangwill

 76. The meaning of life is that it stops. - Franz Kafka

 77. The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind. - H.L. Mencken

 78. The only way to success in American life lies in flattering and kowtowing to the mob - H.L. Mencken

 79. The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it. - George Bernard Shaw

 80. The public is a fool. - Alexander Pope

 81. The Rest of our Wretched Little Lives

 82. The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be. - Paul Valery

 83. The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we hold of ourselves with the appalling things other people think about us. - Quentin Crisp

 84. The worshipper is the father of the gods. - H.L. Mencken

 85. There are many who dare not kill themselves for fear of what the neighbours will say. - Cyril Connolly

 86. There is nothing wrong with sobriety in moderation. - John Ciardi

 87. There is something about a home aquarium which sets my teeth on edge the moment I see it. Why anyone would want to live with a small container of stagnant water populated by a half-dead guppy is beyond me. - S.J. Perelman

 88. Time is a storm in which we are all lost. - William Carlos Williams

 89. To love ones self is the beginning of a lifelong romance. - Oscar Wilde

 90. Virtue has never been as respectable as money. - Mark Twain

 91. We learn from history that we do not learn from history. - George Hegel

 92. We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue than malnutrition. - Alex Comfort

 93. When a man wants to murder a tiger he calls it sport; when a tiger wants to murder him he calls it ferocity. - George Bernard Shaw

 94. When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty. -George Bernard Shaw.

 95. You are free, and that is why you are lost. - Franz Kafka

 96. A man wrapped up in himself makes a pretty small package. - John Ruskin

 97. A mountain wears down a horse, anger wears down a man.

 98. A reasonable man adapts himself to suit his environment. An unreasonable man persists in attempting to adapt his environment to suit himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man. - George Bernard Shaw

 99. Always do right -- this will gratify some and astonish the rest. - Mark Twain

100. Always forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. - John F. Kennedy

101. Always tell the truth. That way, you don't have to remember what you said. - Mark Twain

102. As the fly bangs against the window attempting freedom while the door stands open, so we bang against death ignoring heaven. - Doug Horton

103. Bacchus: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.

104. Being sorry is the highest act of selfishness, seeing value only after discarding it. - Doug Horton

105. Born a saint, die a sinner -- born a sinner, die a saint. - Doug Horton

106. Conscience is the window of our spirit, evil is the curtain. - Doug Horton

107. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

108. Drugs are reality's legal loopholes. - Jeremy Preston Johnson

109. Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have another drink.

110. Everything in moderation -- including moderation. - Harvey Steiman

111. Forget and forgive. This is not difficult when properly understood. It means forget inconvenient duties, then forgive yourself for forgetting. By rigid practice and stern determination, it comes easy. - Mark Twain

112. From listening comes wisdom, from speaking comes repentance, from cranky crack-head whores comes crab lice. - Dr. Squid

113. Give me chastity and continence, but not yet. - Saint Augustine

114. Good people are good because they've come to wisdom through failure. - William Saroyan

115. How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because some day in your life you will have been all of these. - George Washington Carver

116. Humility is the first of the virtues -- for other people. - Oliver Wendell Holmes

117. I can resist everything except temptation. - Sacha Guitry

118. I drink to make other people interesting. - George Jean Nathan

119. I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent. - Ashleigh Brilliant

120. I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television. - Gore Vidal

121. I want what I want when I want it! - Roy Horton (at age six)

122. I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now.

123. If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? - Abraham Lincoln

124. If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.

125. If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed. - Albert Einstein

126. If people talk negatively about you, live so that no one will believe them.

127. If you treat a person as he is, he will remain as he is. If you treat him for what he could be, he will become what he could be.

128. If you were arrested for kindness, would there be enough evidence to convict you?

129. I'm not afraid of work... I can even sleep beside it.

130. In my day, we didn't have self-esteem, we had self-respect -- and no shit. - Jane Haddam

131. In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. - Martin Luther King

132. Integrity without knowledge is weak and useless, and knowledge without integrity is dangerous and dreadful. - Samuel Johnson

133. It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues. - Abraham Lincoln

134. It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid. - George Bernard Shaw

135. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

136. It is easier to point the finger than to offer a helping hand.

137. It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue. - Voltaire

138. It's very easy to forgive others their mistakes; it takes more gut and gumption to forgive them for having witnessed your own. - Jessamyn West

139. Jesus died for your sins. Make it worth his time.

140. Kindness is loving people more than they deserve. - Joseph Joubert

141. Kinky is using a feather, perverted is using the whole chicken.

142. Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.

143. Let us so live that when we come to die, even the undertaker will be sorry. - Mark Twain

144. Live so that your friends can defend you but never have to. - Arnold H. Glasgow

145. Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power. - Abraham Lincoln

146. Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. - Isaac Asimov: Foundation

147. On the whole, human beings want to be good -- but not too good and not quite all the time. - George Orwell

148. Paradise is exactly like where you are right now... only much, much better. - Laurie Anderson

149. Pardo's First Postulate: Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.

150. People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito.

151. People who have no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them.

152. Punctuality is the virtue of the bored. - Evelyn Waugh

153. Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin. - Anatole France

154. Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get another chance later on.

155. Revenge is sleeping with your enemy's wife. Sweet revenge is the realisation that she's a lousy lay.

156. Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself. - Friedrich Nietzsche

157. That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them. - Dorothy Parker

158. The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I'll walk carefully.

159. The church saves sinners, but science seeks to stop their manufacture. - Albert Hubbard

160. The greatest way to live with honour in this world is to be what we pretend to be. - Socrates

161. The only people you should try to get even with are those who have helped you.

162. The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. - Edmund Burke

163. The only tyrant I accept in this world is the still voice within. - Mahatma Gandhi

164. The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. - Oscar Wilde

165. The Puritans hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but because it gave pleasure to the spectators. - Thomas Macaulay: History of England, I

166. The superfluous is very necessary. - Voltaire

167. There is no bad in good. - Doug Horton

168. There is not any memory with less satisfaction than the memory of some temptation we resisted. - James Branch Cabell

169. These days, the wages of sin depend on what kind of deal you make with the devil. - Kara Vichko

170. They are never alone who are accompanied by noble thoughts. - Philip Sidney

171. To err is human, to forgive divine. - Alexander Pope: An Essay on Criticism

172. Too much of a good thing is wonderful. - Mae West

173. Truth fears no questions.

174. Virtue is insufficient temptation. - George Bernard Shaw

175. When choosing between evils, I always like to take the one I've never tried before. - Mae West

176. When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad I'm better.

177. While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.

178. Yield to temptation -- it may not pass your way again. - Lazarus Long: Time Enough for Love

179. You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.