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~~~ Bunyips, Bloody Bunyips ~~~
I was on the track from Newman,
Headin' north to Wittenoom,
When I heard this mourn-ful screamin',
Like someone headin' for their doom.
Then, I saw him sittin' on his swag,
Beneath a river gum,
His face was full of whiska's,
By his side, a keg of rum.
"Bunyips, Bloody Bunyips", he yelled,
With arms up in the air,
"At a rockpool on the Turner,
Bloody Bunyips everywhere."
Well, he waved and called me over,
His face was full of glee,
He offered me a drink of rum,
As I sat beneath that tree.
I said, "Ok I'll have one nip,
But I really shouldn't stop,"
Then he filled me pannikin
Right up to the top.
I protested at his lib-e-rality,
At the sharin' of his rum,
He said, "My pleasure, digger,
Drink up, let's have some fun."
"I was camped up on the Turner,"
He said, "About, two months ago,
And I was sorta' in the horra's,
When I saw the water glow!"
"I rubbed me eyes and shook me head,
You won't believe what happened there,
Out walked a hundred Bunyips,
They had green grass instead of hair."
"Well, I guess they kinda' spooked me,
The way they jumped, and ran around,
But I really wasn't bothered till;
They tipped me rum out on the ground."
"So I grabbed the nearest Bunyip,
And tossed him back into the pool,"
I said, "Come on you bludgers,
Don't ya's take me for a fool."
He said, he'd been a boxer,
And he knew a thing or two,
So they'd better watch there P's and Q's,
Or he'd turn 'em into stew.
"They sorta' then, backed off a bit,
So, I threw me swag upon me back,
Then I grabbed me rum and tucker-bag,
And 'eaded down the track."
"And as I walked along the track,
I could feel them watchin' me,
And every time I turned to look,
They musta' hid behind a tree."
I looked at him with dis-belief,
Then, I shook me head,
I said, "You don't expect me to
Believe, a flamin' word you said,"
He filled me pannikin up again,
Then looked me in the eye,
He said, "The Bunyips followed me,
I couldn't lose them, 'cos I tried."
He said, "They'll be here later on,
When the day, it starts to cool,
Just you wait, and you'll see,
I'm not a lyin' fool."
He kept toppin' up me pannikin,
Me head began to spin,
I really was in paradise,
Drinkin' rum with him.
The sun was sinkin' in the west,
With daylight nearly done,
He said to me, with a wink,
"Now you'll see some fun."
I thought that he'd been lyin',
Until I looked around,
But, I could see those Bunyips too
All layin' on the ground.
He called 'em up, one by one,
'Cos he knew 'em all by name,
And he gave 'em all a nip of rum,
To keep them Bunyips tame.
He'd laid his claim to fame you see,
He's known through-out the land,
As the only man alive to tame
Bunyips, all by hand.
But, I have my own opinion,
And I'll give ya's all the drum,
The Bunyips only stayed with him,
For his keg, of bloomin' rum.
December 19, 1997
~~ 96 ~~
~~~ Drunk in Marble Bar ~~~
Now, I have done some crazy things,
Anyways, I'll share with you,
I knew that I had had me fill,
Well, I grumbled and protested,
So I told him where to stick his pub,
He told me to get out of there,
But, It's funny how, when ya' drunk,
I knew that I had better leave,
I jumped in to me motor car,
I put my foot right to the floor,
I knew I had to clear town,
I thought I really had control,
I swerved and tried to miss him,
I stopped the car to have a look,
Then he grabbed me by me bloomin' arm,
He ran me in for being drunk,
It seems that I had left the pub,
Now I'm sittin' in this cell,
I had a splittin' headache,
The beak called me a menace,
He told me not to drive again,
"'Cos if ya' don't ya' bloomin' fool,"
March 16, 1998
~~ 97 ~~
~~~ The Old Man Kangaroo ~~~
I was camped just north of Nullagine, and was cookin' up some grub.
I thought to meself, ya' stupid mug, what are ya' doin' here?
I started up me trusty ute, chucked me gear on the back.
I'd not gone far along the track when I meet an old man kangaroo.
He said, he was going into Nullagine, 'cos, the news had travelled far.
The track was full of wash-aways up to ten feet wide.
But the thoughts of beer took control, me foot went to the floor.
Me ute came to a screamin' stop, 'bout two foot from the side.
The wash-away was ten feet deep, no way to cross it here.
I asked him if he was ok, the rain had washed away the track.
He shook me hand, said goodbye, and on his way he went.
So I told him about the kangaroo and how we got to town.
I guess that when I lost me cool, and pulled him across the bar.
All his mates they gathered 'round to see what I had done.
I grabbed a broken pool stick, to help me fight that mob.
Everything went quiet as I headed for the door.
Me life it flashed before me, I knew that I was done.
I couldn't see what made 'em freeze, but I heard the slammin' of the door.
The big bloke moved and let me up, said he hoped I was all right.
They gathered 'round that kangaroo and gave him a mighty cheer.
March 17, 1998
~~ 157 ~~
~~~ Bundy Rum ~~~
I was watchin' this old codger,
He had to hold his Bundy,
I walked up and stood beside him,
He said to me, "How's ya'self ,
He spilt half his nip of Bundy,
The barman poured another nip,
Now, that Bundy stopped him shakin',
I said to him, "Too flamin' right,
I said, "Smokin' is for flamin' mugs,
He said to me "That's all I've got,
The barman poured us both a nip
That old bloke, had conned me?
And did he really have the shakes?
August 9, 1998
~~ 164 ~~
~~~ Kickacoonalong ~~~
I had this bright idea,
There is this place called, Kickacoonalong,
And to make this matter flamin' worse,
There was no way in or out,
So I went out bush and mustered,
I had to break and train 'em,
But, I knew that I could do it,
It took me half a day to train,
I tied them all together,
I took 'em to the bottle shop,
I was gunna' make a lot of dough,
We bounded straight towards that town,
I got to the road, that washed away,
We halted for a moment,
Now, the folks from Kickacoonalong,
They pushed and shoved to get to me,
They bought the lot in a flash,
The biggest bloke in the mob,
They grabbed me sack and took me cash,
They told me to get outa' town,
I'd spent all me dough to buy that grog,
They didn't want me bloody beer,
August 14, 1998
~~ 171 ~~
~~~ By Crickey Heck ~~~
By crickey heck, me back is bent,
There's dead trees layin' everywhere,
Though, I suppose, what the heck,
So the wood can stay right where it is,
September 19, 1998
~~ 188 ~~
~~~ Darts ~~~
He said he'd come from New South Wales, where he was the flamin' best.
"I'm not to bad me-self ya' know, when chuckin' darts," I said,
We bragged and raved for hours, of all the things we did.
My first dart hit the sixty, my second sixty more.
Kevin said, "Now drink ya' grog, before the stuff gets hot."
"But, only one dart at the board, we get only one throw each,
I knew right then I had to show, that crowd who was the best.
January 2, 1999
~~ 190 ~~
~~~ Four X Flamin' Beer ~~~
I remember, when I met him first, it was on top the Great Divide,
He told me that he rode a bike, down, the old Finke River track,
And the time he sailed to Alice Springs, in a bath-tub made of soap,
He even raved about the time he ate, a bullock on his own,
Then he grabbed a keg of Bundaberg, and a keg of Four X beer,
So I called that bloke a liar, and said, that he talked a load of bull,
'Cos, Four X is the only beer that'll make ya' skin turn green,
And Four X grog will rot ya' socks and make ya' hair fall out,
And the hairs upon ya' bloody chest will turn to flamin' trees,
So I'll tell ya's all, please take heed, and listen to me words,
January 19, 1999
Out here in the scrub.
When I'm on a drinking binge,
At the local pub.
This amazin' tale of fate.
I was drinkin' at the Ironclad,
And it was gettin' late.
'Cos I started spillin' beer.
Then the publican he yelled at me,
"Ya' drunk, get out of here."
As I headed for the door,
I told him what I thought of him.
And I'd not come back no more.
For his grog the same thing goes.
And if he cared to come outside,
I'd punch him on the nose.
Before he called a cop.
I'd better take his good advice,
Or I'd never, get another drop.
Ya' think ya' bullet proof.
I went outside grabbed some rocks,
And chucked 'em on his roof.
Better get right out'a town.
And not come back, to that pub,
Until things, had settled down,
It fired in-to life.
As the publi-can came runnin' out,
Followed closely by his wife.
And I raced off down the road.
I was drivin' just like Stirlin' Moss,
Heading, for me bush abode.
So, I drove as fast as I could go.
Then I saw, that traffic sign,
DRIVERS PLEASE GO SLOW.
Drivin' safe as I could be.
Then I saw him standin' there,
Like a flamin' tree.
But to my surprise.
He kept jumping back in front of me,
I couldn't believe my eyes.
To see, what he was doin' there
On that road, late at night,
Without a flamin' care.
He said, "This is a silly place to stop."
Then I saw his uniform,
He, was a flamin' cop.
In charge, of a motor car.
It appears now; I had passed out,
And hadn't travelled far.
As drunk as drunk could be.
For I'd only drove 100 feet,
And ran, into a flamin' tree.
Thinkin' what I've done.
Getting' drunk felt pretty good,
But now it's not much fun.
As they marched me off to court.
I asked about the magistrate,
To see, if he could be bought.
He said, "Give away the grog.
And if the law would let me,
I'd shoot ya' like a dog."
For at least three flamin' years.
And pay the court a thousand bucks,
And give up drinkin' beer.
He said, "I mean just what I say.
I'll lock ya' up in Roebourne jail,
And throw the flamin', key away."
The day it was so bloomin' hot, I kept thinkin' of the pub.
I stirred me tucker with a stick, and shoo'ed away the flies.
I thought about a big cold beer, wipin' sweat from 'round me eyes.
Ya' should be at the flamin' pub sinkin' down a nice cold beer.
I looked at the sun to check the time, it was nearly half past one.
I said to meself, I'll go to town get drunk and have some fun.
And thought about that ice cold beer as I headed down the track.
It was only just a hundred clicks from here to Nullagine.
The track was rough, full of holes, so I had to take me time.
He asked me was I goin' to town, and if I was could he come too.
"Sure," I said, "Old fella', hop into me car.
I'd be glad to have ya' company, here have a big cigar."
And he had to try those famous pies made from pink and gray galahs.
We headed off towards the town tellin' yarns about our past
The track it was so flamin' rough, so we couldn't travel fast.
Me ute was sometimes battlin' just to make the other side.
I crossed them all so carefully, me ute never missed a beat.
Me thoughts were full of beer, and pub tucker I could eat.
Me poor old ute flew down the track, faster, than it had ever done before.
I came flyin' 'round a corner, and there to my surprise.
Was the biggest flamin' wash-away, musta' been, half a mile wide.
I got out, I had messed meself, so I'd better change me strides.
I looked into the distance and guess what I could see.
That flamin' pub was sittin' there, just waitin' there for me.
And I couldn't go around it, I just kept thinkin' 'bout that beer.
The kangaroo he was asleep, he woke up when we stopped.
I guess he musta' got a fright, 'cos out the ute he hopped.
And we had no way to get to town, He said, "Jump up on me back."
I jumped on his back and off we went at an amazin' pace we bound.
He never stopped until he got me safely into town.
I meself went to the pub, for me thirst to quench.
I walked into the crowded bar and ordered meself a beer.
I told the barman, how I'd got there, he said I was flamin' queer.
And how the rain had washed away all that flamin' ground.
The barman said I must be mad, I musta' smoked some silly weed.
Or, I'd been standin' in the sun too long, and me brains had gone to seed.
I said what do ya' take me for, a flamin' mug galah.
I grabbed him by his scruffy neck and punched him on the jaw.
His eyes went blank, his knees gave way, then he fell down on the floor.
The biggest bloke said to his friends, "Com'on lets have some fun."
They got me in a corner, I had no place to go.
I said, "Com'on ya' flamin' mugs, I'll fight ya's toe to toe."
I swung it 'round with all me might and got some joker in the gob.
They started to back off a bit, when I let out a mighty roar.
I told 'em to get out the way and let me out the door.
Then biggest bloke he rushed at me and knocked me to the floor.
The weight of him it crushed me, he knocked out all me wind.
I couldn't get him off'a me, the mongrel had me pinned.
I only wish I had the time to have a bit more fun.
The mob they yelled, "Let's tie him up, and give him to the cop."
Then everything went deadly quiet, you could hear a penny drop.
Then I heard the greatest sound, of his tail bangin' on the floor,
"Let him up," The Roo he said, as quiet as could be.
"'Cos if ya' don't, I'm warnin' you's, you'll have to fight with me."
It was he said, all done in fun, but he did enjoy a fight.
The kangaroo he told the mob of how we got to town.
And how he jumped that wash-away with a single bound.
The publican he shouted out, tonight you get free beer!
The moral of this story is, no matter what you do.
Always make yourself a friend, of an old man kangaroo.
In the bar, and lookin' glum,
He had a middy full of beer,
And a nip of Bundy rum,
With both flamin' hands,
He was in the flamin horror's,
And was lookin' kinda' sad.
And tapped him on the back,
I said to him, "How are ya',
Can I help ya' Jack."
This first drinks hard to down,
I would appreciate if ya' could,"
He said, with a flamin frown.
Before the glass it met his lips,
The other 'alf went down his chin,
And fell on the floor in drips.
With four hands we held that glass,
I said to him "Now open up,"
And we poured in that Bundy fast.
He was steady as a rock,
Then, he asked if-I'd-like-a-drink,
'Cos, I was a bonzer bloke.
I'll drink with you old bloke,"
I said to him with pleasure,
Then, he asked me for a smoke.
I'd quit many years ago,
It makes ya' smell and rots ya' boots,
And curls ya' flamin' toes."
Me grog and bloomin' smokes,
Since me missus up and left me,
And that's no flamin joke".
Of good old Bundy rum,
The old bloke said, "Now hit ya kick,
Com'on, drink up and 'ave some fun."
To buy him a flamin' drink,
What a cunnin' in-di-vid-ual,
By gees, that makes me think.
Or was he actin' from the start?
But I didn't say a flamin' word,
'Cos, I just didn't have the heart.
On how to make a quid,
I thought I'd make a million,
So I'll tell ya's what I did.
That's not too far from here,
The pub it had got burnt right down,
And they didn't have no beer,
Their river had over flowed,
'Cos it had rained for near a week,
And washed out, the only road.
Of that God forsaken place,
And to have a town with-out no grog,
Was a flamin' big disgrace.
A hundred kangaroos,
And if ya' listen nice and quiet,
I'll tells ya' what I had ta' do.
Which was pretty hard to do,
Have ya' ever tried to educate,
An old man kangaroo.
'Cos, I am no flamin' slouch,
And I sent the females packin',
That had joey's in their pouch.
And to show 'em what to do,
Then I put a saddle on,
The biggest kangaroo.
In a single line,
And when I marched 'em in to town,
The locals blew their minds.
Of the local pub,
And I filled their pouches full of grog,
Then headed for the scrub.
With this bright idea,
'Cos the folks at Kickacoonalong,
Would pay a fortune for a beer.
At a great amazin' rate,
This was the first time ever,
For a roo to carry freight.
It was deep and pretty wide,
And it must have been at least a mile,
To the other side.
I cracked me whip and gave a cheer,
Then we bounded to the other side,
With our load of flamin' beer.
Had gathered all around,
They knew about our load of grog,
'Cos the word had got to town.
And their fists were full of dough,
I yelled at them to settle down,
And to give every-one a go.
I put me money in a sack,
Then they turned into a screamin' mob,
And started comin' back.
'E called me, a bloody thief,
And I'd better give their money back,
Before I came to grief.
And scared off me kangaroos,
They poured me beer on to the ground,
What was I to do?
And never to come back,
The big bloke kicked me in the pants,
And sent me flyin' down the track.
I tell ya' it's no joke,
And I didn't have a brass razoo,
'Cos, I now was flamin' broke.
And they've left me on me pat
'Cos that all that jumpin' up and down,
Had sent all that beer flat.
From cuttin' up some wood,
Me legs are goin' at the knees,
And I really don't feel that good
Full of white ants and dry rot,
And if I don't cut, and stack 'em all,
They'll eat the flamin' lot.
Ya' never get cold weather here,
I should be more concerned about
How cold I keep me beer,
It can rot and go to hell,
While I sit back, and drink some grog,
And rest for quite a spell.
But now he comes from Queensland and he would put me to the test.
'Cos he could throw three darts at once, and always hit the bull.
He could do it standin' on his head, half sober or half full.
And I'll hit any number that ya' choose, with a blind fold 'round me head.
"And I used to throw six inch nails, just for fun," said I,
"And hit the bull with every nail, and I wouldn't have to try."
And told ourselves how good we was, just like a pair of flamin' kids.
Then he asked me if I'd like a game, and we could wager twenty quid.
I said to him, "No worries mate," so, this is what we did.
We lined up fifty pots of beer, we'd drink one each time we threw,
A twenty, or a sixty, and, if we got a bulls eye too.
We flipped a coin, to see who was up, and Kevin won the toss,
He said, "Now just you watch me mate, I'll show ya' who's the boss."
His first dart hit the bulls eye, his second triple four,
His third dart hit the flamin' wire, and landed on the floor.
I said, "You said that you were flamin' good, and you are the best there is around."
Then, he just looked, and smiled at me, and picked his dart up off the ground.
And my third it hit it once again, and I gave a mighty roar.
He said, "Ya' pretty good ya' know, but, I'll beat ya', have no fear.
Com'on ya' mug, I'll drink one, and you drink three, pots of flamin' beer."
I sculled 'em down pretty fast, 'cos, drinkin' beer was me game.
He took his time to drink his one, then, he stepped up to throw again.
This time he lined his first dart up, and scored a triple three,
The other two went off the board, I just laughed at him with glee.
I walked up to the tossin' line, and closed me eyes and threw.
Me first dart hit the bulls eye, so did the other two.
I said to him, "No worries mate," And drunk three more flamin' pots.
The first game was a white wash, I'd beat him fair and square,
So I asked him for a 'nother game, that's, if he flamin' dared.
He said ok, and he was game, to play and drink with me,
And with each toss lets double up, 'cos I'll beat ya' yet you'll see.
We must have played least sixteen games, when I drank that fiftieth pot,
We'd doubled up on every throw, and I'd won the flamin' lot,
But Kevin still had forty nine, pots sittin' on the bar,
He said to me, "We'll have one more throw, to see just how good you really are."
And ya' gotta' hit the bull to win," I thought, well, that's within my reach.
"One more throw, sure", I said, as I lined up for the bull,
And then me head, began to spin, I knew that I was full.
The dart board started spinnin', me eyes began to close,
I started sweatin' like a pig, from me head down to me toes.
I said to Kev, " Now hang on mate," as me head was 'bout to burst.
"I need a sec, to settle down, so you can throw yours first,"
Quite a crowd had gathered 'round, to watch Kevin throw his dart,
The crowd went quiet as Kevin threw, and hit the bull right in the heart.
'Cos that dart that Kevin threw, would surely put me to the test.
But all the beer I had drunk, had put me off me game.
And if I didn't beat him now, I'd have to leave that pub in shame.
I shook me head to clear it, as a single dart I drew,
I closed me eyes and threw it blind and split his dart in two.
The crowd they cheered and shook me hand, I had beaten Kevin's test.
No more could he come sprukin' that, he was the flamin' best.
Kevin bowed his head in shame and headed for the door,
And he wouldn't come back ravin' how good he was no more.
He told me just how good he was, until me brains were fried.
He raved and raved and carried on, about the strangest things,
Until me head began to ache and me ears began to ring.
And when the bike, it got two tyre'd, how he carried it on his back.
And the time he walked to Timbuktu to get a flamin' beer,
Then he walked, right back again, because, the beer was too dear.
But he only got to Tennent Creek 'cos, the flamin' rudder broke.
And the time he rode a brumby mare, to Dubbo in a gale,
And how he finished up at Innisvale 'cos he'd lost the bloomin' trail.
He ate the meat and ate the skin, and he even ate the bone.
Then he ate three dozen sheep, and six horses so he said,
And he topped it off, with ten suckling pigs, and fifty loaves of bread.
And when he finished off that feed and grog, he grinned from ear to ear.
But, I told him that he'd lied about, the things he flamin' said,
'Cos, if he'd of drunk, that Four X keg, he'd bloody-well be dead.
And I asked him just, who's flamin' leg, that he was tryin' to pull.
He looked at me and smiled, and said no bloody fear,
Every thing's the flamin' truth, 'cept, of course, the Four X keg of beer.
And they use the stuff to polish floors and keep ya' septics clean;
It de-odorizes', polarizes' and kills, the cane toads stone cold dead,
And if you drink just one whole glass, it'll blow holes in ya' head.
It's worse than flamin' cyanide, of that I have no doubt.
It'll make ya' legs go bandy, and ya' toe nails will drop off,
And make ya' throat feel like a goats with a bloody rotten cough.
And ya' legs will sort'a buckle, just below the knees.
Ya' ears they will, drop right off, and ya' eyes pop out ya' head,
'Cos, within thirty flamin' seconds mate, ya' may as well be dead.
I'll tell ya' once, not bloody twice, so let, all me words be heard;
If ya' ever come to Queensland, and ya' feel like drinkin' beer,
Never drink Four flamin' X, 'cos, it'll send ya' bloody queer.