~~ 302 ~~

~~~ The Old Cockatoo ~~~

The old cockatoo, wore two odd red shoes,
When he went to his church every Sunday.
But, he wore his best shoes, that were two tones of blue,
When he went out to work on each Monday.

And he had a good job with a gold mining mob,
That took him out in the scrub.
But, he just couldn't think, till he had his first drink,
So, he never ventured far from the pub.

But the more that he drunk, the more that he thunk,
Of the stories he wanted to tell.
About the gold that he found, worth thousands of pounds,
That increased with each glass of moselle.

Or his days on the track, with his swag on his back,
Back in his years gone by.
And, how he never complained of the roughest terrain
Or the mud and the dust and the flies.

And how it was grand to live off the land,
Trappin' his food every day.
With fresh kangaroo, or wallaby stew,
Cooked, in his own special way.

But, the grog's put a drain on that cockatoo's brain,
And his memories are not like it were.
And, I'd like to bet, that he always forgets,
And I reckon he'd probably concur.

February 20, 2000

~~ 305 ~~

~~~ My Wonderful Story ~~~

Let me tell you a story that won't take me long
Or I'll sing you a wonderful, wonderful song
A song full of freedom a song full of cheer
A song full of wonderful, wonderful beer.

When you buy it and drink it, I know you will tell
That it tastes so wonderfully, wonderfully swell,
But, once you have started, you never will stop
From drinking that wonderful, wonderful drop.

Beer! Comes in great flavours and great colours too
It's a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful brew,
You can drink it whilst standing or having a seat
Which is wonderfully, wonderfully, wonderfully neat.

You can buy beer in bottles and stubbies and cans
And, it turns you into a bullet proof man
You can buy it in Taverns and Hotels and Pubs
Whilst eating their wonderful, wonderful grub.

So come all me hearties and join in my verse
And dip, into your wonderful, wonderful purse
So buy me a beer and you'd best have one too
Of that wonderful, wonderful, wonderful brew.

So that is my story and I'm sure you can tell
That beer it keeps me, so wonderful well.
So, I drink it in buckets and glasses and kegs
Until I can't stand, on me wobbly old legs.

February 29, 2000

~~ 315 ~~

~~~ The Alki's Alphabet ~~~

A - is for Alki, 'cos that's what I am,
B - is for Beer, what's I drink when I can.
C - is for Cartons, of beautiful grog,
D - is for Day-After, The hair of the dog.
E - is for Easy, how it slides down me throat,
F - is for Fosters, that fits like a coat.
G - is for Guzzle, 'cos that's what I do,
H - is for Hops, that powers my brew.
I - is for Insides, that get lube-re-cated,
J - is for Juices, that goes into those places.
K - is for Kool, that's how it's best drunk,
L - is for Lazy, or as drunk as a skunk.
M - is for More, of that beer I can drink,
N - is to Nourish, my brain cells that shrink.
O - is to Over-Come, what could be worse,
P - is for Piss, that's working mans curse.
Q - is for Quick, that's the best way to scol,
R - is for Rat-Shit, when I loose my control.
S - is for Stupid, that's how I will get,
T - is for Tanked, is when I drink for a bet.
U - is for Under-The-Weather, is when I drink all I can,
V - is for Victim, of the grog that I am.
W - is for Wobbles, how I walk when I'm drunk,
X - is the Spot, where I fall on my bunk.
Y - is for Y, do I do this each day,
Z - is for Zzzzz'd, to revive me again.

April 23, 2000

~~ 326 ~~

~~~ Retreat is the Better Part of Valour ~~~

I just dunno' where I'm gunna' flamin' go, I really dunno',
She chucked me out and locked the flamin' door,
She tells me I'm no good, and she'd kill me if she could,
And she doesn't want me here with her no more.

I only had a couple of beers, and started callin' her sister dear,
That's when she lost her quince and done her block,
Then me lovin' flamin' spouse, chased me out the flamin' house,
And hit me with a lump of flamin' rock.

Me head it started spinnin', then I sorta' heard her grinnin'
As she picked up a length of four b' two,
With me blood and shattered brain just oozin' down the drain,
She told me just what I could bloody do.

And she started carrin' on, just like a flamin' dong,
A' screamin' and a' yelling like before,
Then with a God Almighty shout, she gave me another clout,
And went back inside and locked the flamin' door.

So's I gets on to me knees, and starts searchin' for me keys,
So's I's can go inside and skin her hide,
But I didn't think she would, still have that lump of wood,
Till she hits me with it right between the eyes.

So's I goes tumblin' 'cross the floor, right out the flamin' door,
And landed in the gutter in the street,
Then this six foot bottle-stopper, a monstrous flamin' copper,
Grabs me by the neck and stands me on me feet.

He cuffs me in a wink, and drags me down the clink,
And he locks me up and tells me I'm in strife,
The beak he gives me seven days, which to me it seems okay,
'Cos, I won't have to go and face the flamin' wife.

Free board with meals too, what better could I do,
I reckon I'm a real lucky fella,
But I think it would be wise, to go home, and apologise,
Because, retreat is the better part of valour.

May 16, 2000

~~ 327 ~~

~~~ The Mornin' After ~~~

I've got the flamin' shakes, just like a half cut snake,
With a hangover from the grog we drank last night,
And me vision's flamin' blurred, and me words are flamin' slurred,
And me missus looks a God dam awful sight.

We went out on the town, and acted like a pair of clowns
And we don't remember much of what we done,
But, by our flamin' crook condition, we have this flamin' premonition,
That we musta' had a lot of flamin' fun.

We don't really flamin' know, what happened to our dough
So we musta' spent it at the flamin' pub,
There's flamin' food stuck to me chin, and carrots hangin' off me skin,
So we musta' stayed and had some flamin' grub.

Me missus looks a mess, she musta' slept, in her flamin' dress
And her stockin's they are ripped and flamin' torn,
And the noises poundin' in me head, make me wish that I was dead,
And wish that I was never flamin' born.

So we're givin' it away, we'll have a grog free, flamin' day,
And we'll stop our flamin' drinkin', so to speak,
We know that that's a lie, but we're gunna' flamin' try,
Until we go back there next flamin' week.

May 22, 2000

~~ 364 ~~

~~~ Mad Dave ~~~

Mum and dad were pretty mad,
When Dave he went to town.
'Cos he always wore his two odd socks,
And his mother's dressing gown.

They said he weren't the brightest bloke,
That they had seen around,
When he always wore those crazy clothes,
Each time he went to town.

Most people thought that Dave was mad,
A few snaggers short a pound.
With all those crazy clothes Dave wore,
In and out of town.

But Dave he was a cunnin' bloke,
He didn't wear those clothes for fun.
'Cos, he had a scheme that no one knew,
And this is what he done.

He'd walk into the local pub,
And all the blokes would cheer.
And they'd fight to see who was first,
To buy mad Dave a beer.

Then Dave would act the flamin' fool,
And, bung on his stupid side.
And all the blokes would feed him grog,
'Cos, they thought his brains were fried.

He'd cackle like a half-baked chook,
That laid eggs, twice they're flamin' size.
And the blokes would laugh at Dave until,
There was tears in their eyes.

And Dave would wander home most days,
As drunk, as drunk could be.
'Cos Dave would spend his days in town,
Drinkin' grog for free.

August 28, 2000

~~ 392 ~~

~~~ Sacrilege to Beer ~~~

Beer! It is sacred to me' heart,
It's been in my religion from the start,
And it's a deadly sin to keep it from me' throat.
I always treat it with respect
As it trickles down me' neck
And I never treat it bad or act the goat.

But, there's a bloke or two around,
Who act like flamin' clowns,
And will try to pinch ya' grog when you're not lookin'.
Then they bloody wonder why
When ya' poke 'em in the eye
But they should be glad ya' didn't flamin' hook 'em.

And there's always some smart bloke
Who, thinks it's a flamin' joke
To meddle with ya' sacred glass of beer.
And they start to bloody sook
When you go flamin' crook,
And you belt 'em in the bloody flamin' ear.

Then you get into flamin' strife
With ya' cranky flamin' wife,
For fightin' with ya' stupid flamin' mates.
So you do ya' flamin' block
And tell her to bugger off
And you won't be comin' home till flamin' late.

So, she cracks a flamin' darkie
And starts actin' flamin' narkie
And tells you to go get stuffed and go to hell.
So's you let one flamin' fly
And she starts to flamin' cry,
And you end up in a bloody flamin' cell.

So ya' better off ya see
To stay home like flamin' me,
And do ya' flamin' drinkin' on ya' own.
Then you never have to worry
Or be in a flamin' hurry,
Or be gettin' into strife when you get home.

 October 7, 2000

~~ 401 ~~

~~~ Yo Ho Let's Drink the Town Dry ~~~

I knew an old fella' who'd come from the scrub,
Yo ho let's buy a new round,
He'd drink all his money in our local pub,
Yo ho let's drink the town dry.

He told us a story, one hell of a tale,
Of a bunyip he'd seen as big as a whale
And how he had taught it to drink lots of ale
It's true he would say, I'd not lie without fail,
Yo ho lets drink the town dry.

I knew an old fella' who'd come from the scrub,
Yo ho let's buy a new round,
He'd drink all his money in our local pub,
Yo ho let's drink the town dry.

Then he told us a yarn of a one legged bloke,
Who hoped everywhere in a superman's cloak
And he'd jumped from a tree and dam well neared choked
I'm tellin' ya' true it isn't no joke,
Yo ho let's drink the town dry

I knew an old fella' who'd come from the scrub,
Yo ho let's buy a new round,
He'd drink all his money in our local pub,
Yo ho let's drink the town dry.

And the time that he went out shearing some sheep,
He was such a gun shearer he could shear in his sleep
And he'd rung every shed any cockie could keep
And he'd even proposed to Little Bo-Peep,
Yo ho lets drink the town dry.

I knew an old fella' who'd come from the scrub,
Yo ho let's buy a new round,
He'd drink all his money in our local pub,
Yo ho let's drink the town dry.

He said he'd been out there diggin' for gold,
And he'd dug and he'd dug at the place he was told
By a bloke that he said was two hundred years old
But all that he got was a terrible cold,
Yo ho let's drink the pub dry.

I knew an old fella' who'd come from the scrub,
Yo ho let's buy a new round,
He'd drink all his money in our local pub,
Yo ho let's drink the town dry.

That is my story that I'm gunna' tell,
About that old bloke who was terribly swell
He'd come to our pub and always would yell
"Buy me a drink or ya's can all go to hell",
Yo ho let's drink the town dry.

October 21, 2000

~~ 411 ~~

~~~ A Drunken Dream ~~~

Way out back, upon that track, beyond the blue lagoon,
I met a bloke, who liked to smoke, and sing a happy tune.
He was six foot three, or close ya' see, and weighed 300 pound,
And his bush abode, was skin of toad, and was ten foot off the ground.

When I walked by, he caught my eye, and offered me a brew,
I said okay, that I could stay, and asked how did he do.
He said,
"I'm alright, and I think I might, make some bread to eat,
So drop ya' swag, next to that bag, take the weight from off ya' feet."

"Grab some wood, if ya' could, and make me up some coals,
If there's damper free, I will see, me way to make some rolls."
We sat to chat, 'bout this 'n' that, while his billy sang its song,
Then he had a look, at the bread that cooked, and said it won't be long.

He poured a brew, just for us two, and made some bread and jam,
Then he gave a wink, and made me think, just where the hell I am.
I rubbed me eyes, then to my surprise, all things weren't what they seem,
There weren't no bread, just me achin' head, from a drunken dream.

November 11, 2000

~~ 412 ~~

~~~ Don't Forget Ta' Shout ~~~

I was patchin' holes near Fitzroy, just north a bit from Broome,
When the local bottle stopper gave me, free meals and a room.
It seems that I'd been drinkin' and played, merry bloody hell,
And I'll tell mate fair dinkum', I weren't feelin' all that well.

Me head was spinnin' round and round, and me guts were feelin' crook,
Like I'd eaten' roasted chicken and left the feathers on that chook.
And me eye-sight it weren't workin' and there was dried blood on me nose,
And me legs were bruised and achin', and I was missin' half me toes.

That cop he wondered over and asked me to come along,
I said to him, that I would 'cos I ain't done nothin' wrong.
I am a sorta well built bloke, but that cop lifted me one handed off the ground,
And told me to just shut me trap and don't make another sound.

The cop he turfed me in the back of this beat-up blue and white,
With a mob of half drunk Abo's, that had been causin' heaps of strife.
Then as the copper chucked me in, their smell hit me in the face,
And I couldn't hold me stomach, so I spread it all across the place.

Then by-crikey mate I'll tell ya', a fight it now was on for sure,
The biggest black was yellin' as he tried, kickin' out the door.
And the others started punchin' me, on me poor and injured frame,
But it didn't do 'em any good I just kept spewin' all the same.

Now that cop he musta' heard us, he hit his brakes without a care,
And sent me and all those Abo's arse-up in the air.
Then he opened up that back door and dragged us all out one by one,
And gave us all a knuckle sandwich that sent us arse-up in the sun.

Then all the blacks they bolted, they all headed for the scrub,
But the cop just smiled and mumbled that he'd get 'em at the pub.
Then he grabbed me by me colla' and dragged me to me feet,
He said that I won't get away, 'cos he had me flamin' beat.

We got into the lock-up and he showed me to me room,
And he said that I'd be sorry that I ever came to Broome.
I tried to rack me brains to see what the heck that I'd done wrong,
And to remember where I went last night, and the places I had gone.

And then it all come back to me I re-called what I had done,
So I told that bottle stopper that I did it just in fun.
I said I didn't mean it, it was done in fun ya' see,
But he said he'd lock the flamin' cell and throw away the key.

I was took up to the magistrate very early that next day,
And that beak he said I should be shot, for playin' up that way.
So he sentenced me to sixty days, with a thousand dollar fine,
And ordered to, give up the grog, and the whisky and the wine.

Struth I thought, what have I done to receive this shocking shameful fate?
All I did was drink some grog and stay up pretty late.
But the magistrate enlighten me he said, "Well son you better learn,
Never leave a flamin' pub when the shout it is your turn".

So,

I've follow his advice for sure, of this you have no doubt,
And I've never left single pub until I've had my shout.
And I would expect the same of you, 'cos it's the Aussie way of life,
And if you ever leave before your shout, you'll end up in flamin' strife.

December 2, 2000

~~ 443 ~~

~~~ My Dear Old Granny's Ghost ~~~

I've, just seen me dear Old Granny in the garden,
Though the poor old souls, been dead for many years.
I'd been sittin' down and readin' Sundee's paper,
And had consumed at least a dozen beers.

I wandered up to her and said, "Good mornin' Granny,
What the heck are you still doin' here?"
She said she'd come to give to me a message,
About the sins of drinkin' too much beer.

She said,

 "Ya' Grandad used to drink too much too often,
In buckets, bottles, cans, or at his pub.
And he used to drink, come mornin's, day's and evenin's,
And then, come home drunk de-mandin' flamin' grub."

"But,

I slowly changed his drunkard drinkin' habits.
By takin' up the grog me flamin' self.
And when Grandad saw the way the grog had got me,
He gave up drinkin' for his flamin' health."

"So

 I've come here today to stop ya' drinkin',
Go sober up, become a better man.
And give away ya' boozin' and ya' drinkin',
And toss away those bottles and those cans."

I had a think, and then replied to Grandma,
About my sins of drinkin' too much beer.
Then I said, "I still enjoy my cans and bottles,
So Granny get the heck from outa' here."

"And go and give ya' sermon to the devil,
And make Old Nick become a better man.
'Cos,
 I'm sure that God himself, had good intentions,
By makin' beer, in bottles, pubs and cans."

April 9, 2001