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~~~ Milly and Her Father ~~~
Milly, Molly Mandy,
Drank a lot of brandy,
And drank it hot, from a pot,
Now! Her legs have gone quite bandy.
Her father told her, "Milly!
You've acted awful silly,
'Cos! You must use ice to make it nice
And to make it cold and chilly."
Then, Milly took up smoking,
Her father said, "You're joking
You! Won't think your slick, when you get sick,
Because you'll end up croaking."
She said, "Well father dear,
You may think it rather queer,
But! You're the same, come shine or rain,
When you get drunk on beer."
"And, when you smoke your pipe,
I think it's sorta' rife,
'Cos! From the smell, I can tell,
Your lungs they are in strife."
So Milly and her dad,
Said, that-they would be glad,
To stop today, straight away
'Cos, if they died, they'd both be sad.
© December 26, 2001
~~ 523 ~~
~~~ Milly's Memories ~~~
Milly went out riding, on her horse one day,
© January 5, 2002
~~ 524 ~~
~~~ The Revenge of Milly's Father ~~~
Milly's dad got cranky at her wistful, sinful ways,
Milly cut him down that night and wrapped him in that hay-
© January 6, 2002
~~ 526 ~~
~~ To Town to Git a Man ~~
Milly told her father to go and get her horse,
Off into the night they raced, as fast as they could go,
But everywhere she sorta' looked a man could not be found,
She waltzed into the local pub, but the bar was fully bare,
"Git up," she yelled, "you snivelin' swine and pour a girl a beer,"
"I've come to town to git a man and that's what I'm gunna do,
But Milly wouldn't listen she just downed her beer and said,
Poor Milly never got that man she rode to town to get,
© January 8, 2002
~~ 527 ~~
~~~ Get Milly ~~~
The pub was short of workin' folk
So, they sent a mob to pick her up
What are ya' rules one joker said
The din was broke by silence
They left poor Milly standing there
© January 10, 2002
~~ 530 ~~
Milly Gets Her Man (or is he)
Milly's heart was broken when she could not get her man,
Poor Milly was so ugly that her paint it never dried,
So Milly sat and watched that paint, that never seem to dry,
She went and told her fatherm about that TV Ad,
So early that next mornin' when she rung that number up
She answered lots of questions but, she lied a little bit,
And she never told them of her warts upon her hairy chin,
She went and got a postal note and she sent her money off,
A letter came directly from a bloke from way out west,
And he thought a girl like Milly was just the sort for him,
Milly's heart it raced like mad as she wrote to say okay,
She did the best or so she thought as she rode to meet the train,
They stepped aside to gave her room, about a mile or two,
Milly called, "Is that you George"? But that bloke did not reply.
She helped him to her buggy with his dog and white cane too,
And, I'm deaf and dumb and flaming' blind and I lost me sense of taste,
Milly sighed then cried a bit and thought well what the hell
So Milly found her man it seems, a man to call her own,
© January 29, 2002
~~ 532 ~~
Milly's Dad has Doubts
Milly's dad was happy that she found her lovin' man,
And all those strange vibrators and sexual flamin' toys,
But, were they what she say's they are, he has his flamin' doubts,
He never hits the thunder box, to have sit and think,
And he never takes her ridin', he just stays inside their room,
This wouldn't be so bad, says Milly's poor old dad,
© January 30, 2002
She met a man upon that track, sleeping on some hay.
She stopped her horse and holler'd out, with a high-pitched voice,
"Wake up you bum, get off that hay, or you'll leave me with no choice."
"No choice of what" he yelled right back, with spite and indignation,
"Just go away you silly girl I want no confrontation."
But, Milly raise her riding crop to smite that man below.
He stepped aside and ducked his head to dodge that lethal blow.
He grabbed her arm and pulled her from, that dashing steed of hers,
And, she landed flat upon her pride, amid a branch of burrs.
Milly's scream near woke the dead and those who lay asleep,
Then, she cursed that man that lay upon that grassy leafy heap.
That man just smiled then laughed out loud and took her in his arms,
And told her not to fear at all, and, to enjoy his worldly charms.
Milly's fight was beaten as she swayed from their first kiss,
And the strength she felt within his arms, filled her with pure bliss,
They lay there both upon that hay and whiled away the day,
Now Milly won't forget that time she found him on that hay.
Of course that's just a memory, a day in her sweet youth,
And, she relates it to her kids and swears it is the truth.
The truth of how she met her man that now lays in the ground-
Upon that hay whence they first met, not, to make another sound.
And, he swore that he would kill that man who took her on that hay.
That man who took that child away and made a woman instead,
He'd find that man and make him pay and shoot him stone cold dead.
But Milly begged her father, to leave that man alone,
So's, she could take him to her heart and keep him for her own.
"He'll marry me," she told her dad, " He told me just to wait-
For him to come and meet me dad, at our garden gate."
As time went by she waited there but she knew and she could tell,
He'd not be back; he'd left her there, as she began to swell.
Milly grew, expanded out, her clothes they never fitted,
A grim result of when they met, and when their charms were pitted.
A baby grew inside her now, or maybe it was two,
Poor Milly's heart was broken now, she knew not what to do.
Milly's dad he watched his child as she pined away,
For that man who took her charms upon that pile of hay.
So he mounted on that trusty steed and speed into the night,
To find that man who did that deed so he could make it right.
He found him north of Bunyip Flats a'trampin' on that track,
He drew his gun and told that man he'd best be headin' back.
'Cos, Milly she did miss him and he'd filled her full of child,
And he'd better do the thing that's right, he said, in a voice so meek and mild.
That man he laughed and hurled abuse at Milly's doting dad,
And said some words that made him feel, quite upset and sad.
But not a man to take such words he leapt from off that horse,
And tackled him and blackened him then tied him up of course.
Milly's dad arrived back home with, that derelict in tow,
And hung him from that garden gate for all the world to know.
That Milly is his daughter, and to mess with her you'd die,
So all you lecherous men out there, you'd never better try.
that he and her had whiled away, on that fateful day.
Her father said, "What for," she said, "To get a man of course,
'Cos, I'm feelin' rather friskie and I wanna have some fun.
So, go on git and saddle him and I'll make the bastard run".
To git a man and hobble him and ring him through the nose.
And bring him back all trusselled up and lock him in the house,
Until, he agreed to marry her and take her for his spouse.
And every door she knocked upon there weren't a flamin' sound.
It seemed the town had gobbled up all the single men,
And the married ones, they hid in doors, what could she do then?
There weren't a soul to brace the bar or to fill an empty chair.
And the barman he had hid in fear behind an empty keg,
But Milly spied a movement there, from his wooden leg.
And then she said in a voice so soft, "Have all the men turned Queer?"
The barman pour a middy full of his finest ale
And said to Milly stutterin', "I I I 'm sure that's just a tale."
And if there ain't, no-one else around, well, I guess that man is you".
That barman dropped to the floor and begged for mercy please,
And said he'd be no good for her 'cos, he had two wooden knees.
"Come on you sniverlin' drunkard swine or they come and find ya' dead."
That barman cursed his evil luck and pulled his 44,
And shot himself between the eyes and dropped dead on the floor.
She rode her horse back home to dad with tears that made her wet.
She swore she'd give up lookin', for a man to fill her life,
And resigned to it, and go without, the comforts of a wife.
Since the barman shot his-self,
And the beer had ceased to flow for now
'Cos, they only drunk top-shelf.
Then bar-fly Bert he had a thought
Of how to set things right,
Get Milly here behind the bar,
'Cos she had caused the fight.
And to bring her back to town,
And, to make her work behind the bar
And to stop every-bodies frown.
But Milly said now-way unless
You all play by my rules,
And if you don't, I'll tell you straight
You're all a mob of fools.
And the others said yes what?
Well, Milly said you have to match,
Me drinkin' pot for pot.
And the last man standin' I can have,
I'll have me wicked ways
'Cos if ya's don't I'll tell ya' true,
You'll all be dry for days.
As Bert he said "Oh dear."
"If we don't agree with her,
Who will pull our beer?"
So they took a vote and answered her,
That, they'd rather go with out
'Cos, they'd rather sleep with Murphy's pigs,
And, of that they had no doubt.
With her mouth dropped to the floor,
And ever Bert the old bar-fly,
Went racin' out the door.
Milly's dad said, "There, there dear,
You really shouldn't mind,
'Cos you outha' go and find some coot,
That's deaf and dumb and blind."
So, she took courses in deportment and what ever else she can
But she failed them o' so miserably, and her fate had been cemented,
She got expelled, and lost her dough and her teacher went demented.
And the chicken that she tried to eat, just screamed and yelled and cried,
And the toilet paper that she tried to use, would not come off its roll
'Cos, it feared not to get too close in case she lost control.
And all she did on Satdee nights was, stay home, watch-TV and cry,
Then a TV Ad came on, on how, to meet the partner of your choice
So Milly wrote the number down, and could not control her voice.
She raved and raved about it until her dad went mad,
He told her she should shut her trap and get to flamin' bed
Before he did his flamin' quince, and belt her 'cross the head.
She found she'd left her choppers, in her bedroom in a cup,
So when she answered questions, she sounded like she lisped,
Or was it that poor Milly was, still half flamin' pissed?
She told them she was radiant, and in a small sized dress she could fit,
And she was shy and dainty and slim and blonde and neat
But, she never said a flamin' word about her size ten feet.
Or that plastic rubbish bin, she kept her dentures in,
Or even that her underpants could not fit on the line
So, she'd hang them on the power lines, when the weather it was fine.
And she hoped she'd get a fancy bloke, or at least a flamin' toff,
And the picture that she posted was a snap of Doris Day,
Then, she went home and waited, and hoped and begged and prayed.
That said he was a charmer, and with wimmin he was best.
And he said he'd tried a bloke or two, but they weren't his flamin' style
'Cos, every time he kissed a bloke he'd never get a smile.
'Cos, she had the looks of Doris Day, so nice and blonde and trim,
And he thought he come on over, and meet her if he could
And, discuss his small afflictions, that's if she thought he should.
And she raced down to the letterbox to post it straight away,
Then she set to work to beautify her face the best she could,
But, she would have had a better chance, with a lump of rotting wood.
But all the folks in town just stared, and started to complain.
They moaned about that rancid smell and the flies she brung along
And every time she moved her arms, there was a shocking pong.
And a couple of them doubled up and couple had to spew.
The train it stopped or did it die, the towns-folk weren't too sure
And then a bloke with cane and dog came stumblin' out the door.
He sniffed that smell upon the wind, wiped tears from his eyes.
She saw his name writ on his bag so, and she grabbed him by the arms
And told him she was Milly, that girl with all those charms.
And took him on that track to home as the townsfolk waved ooroo.
Then, he took a note from out his bag, then looked a little glum,
It said, I shit into a plastic bag 'cos, they've sewn up half me bum.
And all the food that I can eat, must be mixed up just like paste,
And I lost me nuts some years ago in a crooked two-up school
And, it's no good askin' me for sex, 'cos, I cannot use my tool.
If I, don't mention this to father, how will he ever tell
So she told old George she'd take him if he never told a soul
That he was deaf and dumb and blind and couldn't use his pole.
One that's deaf and dumb and blind so's, he will never moan,
All the folks from 'round the traps, the homesteads they all can
Sleep in peace with safety now, knowing Milly's caught her man.
It was better than he every flamin' thought,
Now maybe she would leave and flamin' bugger off,
And take with her those dildos that she'd bought.
And that blow up doll that looks just like a man.
So, if this bloke is great in her flamin' bed,
Then everything should go to flamin' plan.
'Cos, her boyfriend never says a flamin' word,
And he keeps on trippin' over, everywhere he goes,
And he never ever drops a flamin' turd.
And he never eats a chop or sausage roll,
He only eats just weetbix and other sloppy stuff,
And occasionally a flamin' icy-pole.
And his bloody dog just sits and flaming stinks,
And when he does come out, he unzips his flamin' pants,
And proceeds to piss into the flamin' sink.
Who hobbles round inflicted with the gout,
But I tell him of my wishes before he flamin' piss's,
To take the flamin' dishes flamin' out.